Dealing With The Sexual Issues

Dealing With The Sexual Issues

What would you do if someone started acting out sexually towards your child?  What would you do if someone hurt your child?  I asked some of my closest friends and these were some of their answers. 

- Load my shotgun

- Call the police

- Inflict bodily harm

- Press charges

- Raging momma bear would be unleashed

- I would have to hold back my husband

Now what would you do if the perpetrator just happened to share your last name? What would you do if this perpetrator was just a child?  What would you do if you had committed to this child for life, yet they constantly act out sexually? 

Unfortunately, this is a REAL LIFE NIGHTMARE for many parents.  I am one of them, and I cannot even begin to express the complete hell I have been through with this issue.  It’s the one topic I despise talking about, probably because I still need some therapy myself due to the traumatic experiences I have had with my own kids.  It wouldn’t surprise me to find that I have some kind of severe PTSD from dealing with this issue in my home.

I have mentioned before, but thought I would reiterate that my first six years of parenting were spent in a fetal position crying out to God for help.  I wasn’t over exaggerating that statement by any means.  It’s been a lonely, exhausting, private, personal hell dealing with all kinds of issues due to adopting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Yes, I am officially exhausted.  

The other day someone said they thought my life seemed glamorous, helping all these vulnerable precious children.  Let me reassure you….my life is far from glamorous.  Don’t let all the cute and vibrant pictures fool you! 

Would I do it all over again? Yes.  

Was it worth it? Yes.  

Was it the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes... 

Would I adopt another RADS child? God would have to part the red sea again and SHOW UP IN PERSON for me to say YES. I say this because I feel like I will still have to be “working” on touching my children’s hearts even as adults.  Parenting RADS children doesn’t stop at age 18!

Would I wish this life on anyone else? No. Before you adopt a child with sexual issues make sure you fully grasp the level of commitment it will take.  It’s not an issue that just magically disappears after one therapy session.  You literally have to retrain the brain. 

One day I talked to one of my child’s former adoptive parents and they mentioned that they had to get rid of my child due to the fact this child had perpetrated on another three year old child in their home.  I was horrified that this was not in my child’s records.  I am not sure it would have changed my mind on the adoption, but it would have been nice to know what I was dealing with.  Then the first week of this child being in my home they started threatening to rape and abuse the other children verbally.  I was blown away by all that my five year old knew sexually, and I couldn’t believe the vocabulary that they already had in this area.  I was in shock when I would hear about the sexual acts that this child had witnessed and endured.  Can you imagine me as a young 24 year old dealing with this stuff?  

I started my child on Reactive Attachment Therapy and we attended counseling for these sexual issues every Thursday.  I admit I was scared to let them out of my sight.  I put alarms on all the doors, and I spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch and in front of this child’s doorway for almost two years. I set rules in place that would protect the children we hung out with, and the other children in my home. I made sure this child was never allowed to spend the night in another person’s home.  It seemed we would have great victories and then this child would eventually regress to the same behaviors.  I felt like I was on this constant up and down roller coaster, and one with more downs than ups! 

I wish I could tell you that all my methods worked, and we are all living happily ever after.  I ended up trying some very creative methods that hopefully one day I will be able to share with you, but I first wanted to make sure they actually worked and my child isn’t going to be in therapy at age 35 because of them!  Only time will tell.  

I ended up developing a HUGE heart for the children who have to deal with sexual issues and ended up adopting a few more with that same struggle.  Crazy? Yes.  But I think you have to be a little passionate and a good kind of crazy to take on such behavior issues. 

Here are a few things that helped me survive living with the sexual behaviors. 

• I made a schedule for myself.  I took 15 minutes every day and just rocked my child praying over the specific sexual issues they have.  I pretended my child was a newborn baby that I had just brought home from the hospital, and went to great lengths to try and bond with this child and rebuild the mind, heart, emotions, and self-esteem,  to overpower all the disgusting memories with precious, pure, and safe memories. 

• I spent literally two years giving my child who struggled with sexual issues a bubble bath.  During that bath time, we would go over what every part of the body was used for.  We began to talk about sexual issues and what appropriate touches were, etc.

• I would sit and do play therapy with the child.  We would act out situations and literally practice how to function normally with our bodies and how to behave appropriately.

• We would read books dealing with sexual issues together at night.

• We wrote down all the disgusting things that were done to this child on toilet paper squares and then flushed it down the toilet as a sign of getting rid of the past and starting anew.

• We admitted our own faults and learned about the power of forgiveness. 

• We did a 12 step program dealing with sexual behaviors.

• We studied what it meant to be a lady and a gentleman.  

• We picked one issue a month and purposely tried to work on that issue all month.

• We tried to avoid any kinds of sexually charged media/ TV/Movies.

• We talked about the God approved plan for sex and how sex can be a beautiful thing in a marriage. 

• We set up appropriate boundaries for the child.

• We made a safety plan.

• We educated the other children. 

• We sought professional help.

Some other recommendations for dealing with this extremely difficult and heart rending problem:

• Speak life over your child.  Surround this child with constant words of encouragement.

• Separate the sexual issues from the child.  These sexual behaviors are NOT the child.  The child is not the behavior.  Most likely these behaviors are not even the child's fault.

• Don't ever call your child a perpetrator, sex offender, or label them with these sexual issues.  I remember several times my own father called one of my children a sex offender.  Well that is 1 out of a million reasons our relationship is estranged to this day.  I still love the precious man, but his constant negative and inappropriate words were not breathing life to me or my children. 

• Make sure you surround yourself with a support group and positive people.  If there are people in your life that are not supporting you, and constantly criticizing you, take a pair of scissors and cut those relationships out.  You can still love them, but love them from a healthy safe distance that will protect your children’s heart. 

• Most people just send their child to a hospital or a special treatment facility, but I was determined to bring the treatment facility into the safety of my own home.  I was determined to do whatever it took to see this child healed and whole. You don't have to send your child away; learn what treatment facilities do and bring that specialized help into your own home. 

• Make sure this child never hears you speak about the sexual issues on the phone or in public.  If you are writing about the issues like I am in a blog, make sure to never mention the child's name.  Always refer to the child as THE CHILD, not a HE OR SHE so it doesn't give any hint to who the child is.  I also want to make it clear that I have only recently begun talking about these issues.  This is something I have kept private for over 10 years out of respect for my children.  My closest friends don't even know which children of mine have struggled with certain issues, and they will never know, because I will never tell.  Keep your child's behavior issues PRIVATE.  Respect and honor their privacy. 

• Treat your child like royalty and the redeemed child that they are.  Don't hold the sexual behaviors over their head like a weapon when you are frustrated with them.  Don't ever use the behavior issue against them during family disagreements. Forgive them for the behavior and recognize it’s a sickness not their personality. 

• Don't accuse them of the issue unless you 100% are sure.  

• Allow your child to change. Don't over exaggerate.  For example, if your child gives their sibling an appropriate approved hug, don't read too much into it and pervert their purity. Our children can change!  Let's not mark them guilty and force them to wear a scarlet letter the rest of their lives. 

I truly believe that as long as a child is still breathing, there is still hope.  Now I want to make it clear that the above issues were with children that were 13 and under.  I took different precautions and methods with some of my children who were teenagers and acting out sexually, but that’s for another blog, another time.

In the meantime,  I want to send a cyberhug to all my dear fellow parents who are struggling with children who are acting out sexually.  I know this can be a complete nightmare and I share in your pain.  Be encouraged today and I wanted to leave you a list of recommended sites and books that have helped me on my journey.  

1). Preparing your son for every man's battle.

2). How to Stop the Pain

3). The Child Heart

1).Empowered to Connect

To Read my blog on "Battling the Food Issues" CLICK HERE

Christian VS. Christian

The line in the sand has been drawn. You are on one side of the line, wondering why it has just been drawn before you. You look up to see a group of people whispering and pointing at you on the other side of the line. This group of people call themselves Christians. Ironically, you call yourself a Christian as well.

This is a story of the hidden war that goes on daily. It’s a war that no one really wants to talk about. It’s a war between one Christian and another Christian.  The line has been drawn – not by you, but by your accusers, the Christians on the other side. This line declares that you are guilty, and there is a distinct difference between you and them. You are wrong and they are right. This line represents discord.

The Christians who became your accusers begin to pick up stones. Now, these stones don’t look like normal stones, because they are secretly disguised. These stones are so wrapped up in deception, that the person holding the stone actually believes it is appropriate to pick it up and throw it at you. They may not even realize they are throwing stones at you because they are so blinded by the deception that so cunningly hides the true nature of the stones. They may not even realize that the process of bending over and looking for a stone even took place.

One of these stones is disguised as “justification.” The person who picked up this stone is convinced that they are doing the “right thing,” and has justified their action of picking up the stone. They are about to throw it at you, continuing to justify why it’s perfectly acceptable to throw the stone. And when the stone hits you, and you shriek in agony, you hear this person laughing. Why would this person be happy about your pain?

Another stone is secretly disguised as a “church meeting.” This person has called meetings with other people, and has become convinced that it is acceptable to throw this stone at you, because they sought what they would call “biblical counsel.” Unfortunately, it was at this “church meeting” that you were slandered and crucified. Someone from this group bends down to pick up a stone that is marked “borrowed offense” and throws it at you. All of a sudden, you realize that this person is a stranger. You look closer, and you start to feel your eyes well up with tears. Why is a complete stranger throwing this stone at you? You have never even met this person. How could they throw a stone at you without even an introduction? This person has never entered your home, met your children, or gotten one glimpse of your heart. Why didn't they judge you by your fruit? They haven’t even met your fruit, which happens to be your children. They pick up yet another stone, which says “false accusations.” You hang your head as this merciless stone is thrown at you. You try to duck and move, so that perhaps the stone will miss you, but it comes straight toward your heart. This hit brings deep hurt.

As you resolutely pull yourself up off the ground, you squint your eyes, because you see your friend, your neighbor, and your family member collecting stones. Surely, they are not about to throw them at you, are they? Being betrayed by a friend or someone you love and know well tastes like death. You stand there watching as your lifelong friend quickly collects a handful of stones, carefully deciding which one to throw first. One by one, these stones rip into your heart. You would rather be physically beaten than watch your own family member, friend, or neighbor holding these stones. You try to hide the tears that are flowing so freely now. And before you know it, you see another stone flying in the air, marked with words that depict everything you are passionately against. You live out Truth, yet the stone is marked "liar." Your life breathes purity, yet the stone is marked "perversion." You live a life of consecration, yet this stone calls you a "fraud." You cover your face while these so-called Christians continue throwing stones at you. You hear a crowd nearby that has slowly gathered to watch the war. You hear them whispering and you see them pointing fingers at you. You hear your name as people in the crowd start talking about you. You look around, wondering who is going to step forward and defend you. No one steps forward. You start looking around for places where you can run and hide. You hang your head in shame and embarrassment.

You are numb, weary, bruised, and bleeding. You fall to your knees due to the excruciating pain that has been inflicted upon you by these stones. You realize that your heart hurts worse than your physical body. You feel misunderstood. You feel like you are going into battle with your armor on. You are on top of a horse, right on the front lines, and yet you have been beaten up so badly that you feel like you are about to fall off. You feel like giving up.

All of a sudden, you feel someone’s hand upon your shoulder, the hand of a Man who somewhat resembles you. Tears are streaming down His face. He appears to have been in the exact same war as you. Blood is streaming down His body, and you notice that this Man bears the very same scars as you. His wounds match your wounds. His deep cuts are identical to your cuts. He walks over to where the line has been drawn in the sand, and He begins to erase it. His blood is dripping over the spot where the line had once appeared so clearly. He walks over to your accusers and whispers into their ears, telling them to drop their stones. He weeps because He has to watch His children throw stones at one another. Some can’t hear Him whisper into their ears, because their hearts have turned into stones as cold as the ones they hold in their hands.

He turns to you and lifts you up, just as a father carries his beloved child on his back. He tells you that you can rest in Him. He sits you down and begins to wash your feet with His tears, and lets them fall upon your open wounds. He teaches you how to take the very stones that were thrown at you and build an altar with them, where you can simply worship Him. You feel a peaceful blanket of grace surround you as you weep, because you feel a healing balm enter the depths of your heart. This Man hands you His sword, and you realize your strength has returned. It is a deeper strength than you have ever known. You watch this Man go before you, and begin to prepare a path for you. He tells you to be still and know that He is God. Many weapons may be formed. Many weapons may even be used against you – but none will prosper.

---to be continued.

(and now for my rambling...)

There are many things that grieve my heart, but the fact that Christians can’t get along makes the grieving more intense. I don’t understand why two professing Christians can’t sit down and handle things biblically. Why can’t they talk it out until reconciliation is made? Why are Christians slaughtering other Christians almost daily?  Why must there be so much discord amongst Christians? Why can’t we all get along? Why must unity be so difficult? No wonder people don’t want to walk into a church building!

I have heard it said more than once that many people consider a bar safer then a church. This has got to change! I understand there are some people you can’t reconcile with. You try and try, but for some reason they have a door inside of their hearts that slams shut every time you go knocking. You try to apologize and perform acts of kindness in order to seek reconciliation, but they slam the door shut in your face and choose to hold a grudge. You even try and reconcile when you were the one who was wronged, and yet nothing but revenge drips from their tongues and actions.

This kind of thing disgusts me. I can’t quite wrap my brain around it. I guess that’s because I grew up in a home where you “duked” it out until reconciliation was made. I love the story of a couple in marriage counseling, who could not agree on some particular issues. The fighting and arguing was fierce between them. The pastor asks them a simple question: “So, which one of you is gonna die today?” Why can't we die daily to our flesh and choose to walk in the Spirit? Why can’t we lay down our need to be right? We have no business seeking what we consider to be justice. We need to touch the heart of God, and find out what He considers to be justice. If my young children can face their biological parents who did horrors to them, and in doing so still choose forgiveness, then why can’t we? If the mother who just lost her children to a horrendous murder can visit the murderer in prison, and seek reconciliation, then why can’t we all find some way to get along? If the wife can forgive the drunk driver who just killed her husband and newborn baby, why can’t we simply forgive each other? What do we gain from revenge? What does it really prove? How can destroying another Christian truly make you feel like you did the right thing? 

I am sick and tired of church splits, organizations bashing one another, women not being able to bridle their tongues, and people not even talking to their own family members. We say we want revival and for professing Christians to actually be the Church. Well, then, let’s lay down our need to be right and start being Jesus to one another!

To put it simply, I do not have time to put up with discord, unnecessary drama, gossip, slander, or anything that is not holy. There is never an excuse to talk about another person in a negative light – end of story.

Let's choose to say only that which we would want quoted.

We have three family rules in my home:

1) First Time Obedience

2) Sweetness or Silence

3) Be Givers Not Takers

I think it’s time we all be Sweet or Silent. Let us become consumed with loving our Jesus, becoming intimate with Him, taking care of our spouses, pouring into our kids, and cleaning our homes and hearts out!

May our hearts break for the things that break the heart of our precious Lord Jesus. May we be too consumed with serving our Lord that we have no time for "unnecessary nonsense." And may we stay away from "idle chatter,” only speaking what is lovely and what will bring Glory to our God.

And let us lay down our stones. Let us not even consider picking one up. Let us not even consider looking for stones!

If you are like the person in my story, and have had many stones thrown at you, may you be rest assured that you didn't go through that trial alone. As the leader of an organization, I can testify to the “unnecessary drama” that comes about at times. But when stones begin to fly, I have learned to pick them up, build an altar, and worship the Lord. Go build your altar and worship the God who goes before us!

You are called.

You are anointed.

You are equipped.

You are more than a conqueror.

You are here for such a time as this.

You are royalty.

You are a sanctuary.

You have been called out of darkness and into His light!

You are forgiven.

You are cherished.

You are wanted.

You are needed.

You are LOVED! ......and so shall you be treated.

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