Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation is something I had never heard of growing up.  If you have never heard of the term, let’s take a quick little field trip and learn exactly what it is. 

Parental Alienation:

• is a form of emotional child abuse where a custodial parent belittles or vilifies the other parent to the child.  The victims of parental alienation do not have direct access to their own children.  The parent who is targeting the victim uses different tactics to alienate the children.  

• is a significant legal issue worldwide, and occurs when one parent convinces the children that the other parent is not trustworthy, lovable or caring – in short, not a good parent.

• The person who is performing the alienation is very controlling, and will monitor every interaction that the child has with the other parent.  They want to make all the leading decisions concerning the child. 

• destroys the present and future relationship between a child and the alienated parent. 
• is very effective because it literally brainwashes young, emotionally vulnerable, and impressionable minds.

The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of the programming parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. 

Parental Alienation can seriously distort a child’s developing personality and subsequent life adjustment. The sooner it is identified and appropriate interventions are implemented, the better the child’s chances of avoiding its worst long-term effects.

PAS children feel empowered and are rewarded for attacking the other parent.  They are conditioned to feel no remorse or shame for doing so.  The parent who is performing the alienation justifies any and all actions.  They are the master manipulator, convincing themselves and the children that they are doing what is in the best interest of the child.

The person who is alienating also continues to believe the lie that their child is somehow better off without the other parent in their life, and is doing this for the safety of the child. Those who commit Parental Alienation basically are known as “know it alls’ and like to act as the prosecutor, judge, and jury.  

Often the parent who is guilty of Alienation suffers from mental disorders such as anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. 

All of the above were my personal definitions mixed in with information off of this LINK.

So now that we are through with our quick field trip, let’s grab a quick coffee or tea and have a little chat about this issue.  Let me start by saying that I first personally experienced Parental Alienation when I was a young pre-teen, and I remember it like it was yesterday.  My parents were having some marriage issues and I will never forget the night when I heard my mother scream at me to call the police as she was smashing dishes on the floor.  I then heard my father scream at me to find his keys.  I was completely distraught.  My father was loading up his stuff in the car and my mother was trying to stop him.  I remember seeing the keys on the table, but I was too afraid to tell him where they were.  I didn’t want my mom to be mad at me. I loved her, and I remember also looking at the house phone, not about to call the police on my father whom I loved as well.  So I stood there as I witnessed this hostile “dispute” between my parents.  Eventually I ran off and hid, and my twin brother who normally would defend me and make sure I was safe took over.  

Thankfully my parents ended up restoring their marriage, but I will never forget the parental alienation that took place.  I was forced to write my father letters of disgust.  They were not my words.  I didn’t hate my father. I was forced into “Jesus counseling” which was basically a complete joke; with me just saying whatever they wanted me to hear to suffice everyone.  I remember my mother dropping me off at my father’s apartment and telling me what to say.  I was humiliated as I was forced to knock on the door and then try and repeat the things that were placed in my psyche.  I remember feeling caught in the middle of my parents’ marriage issues and while I didn’t understand all the dynamics, I did understand that it didn’t feel right.  

My heart goes out to the many children who get caught up in custody battles.  Children should never be used as weapons against a parent or family member.  Children shouldn’t have to choose which parent they want to be with, and they should never have to listen to one parent or family member bash the other.  

I experienced Parental Alienation again in my early thirties, but unfortunately my alienation came from a blood relative who deceived me.  I remember vividly the day this relative sat in my living room feeding me all kinds of lies, for the purpose of convincing me to hand over a signature.  You can read about my Parental Alienation nightmare in a blog called: Betrayal Tastes Like Death.

So how can you stop Parental Alienation? 

Here is my personal advice:

-Don’t make your child choose. Children are not allowed to drive cars for a reason, so why would we allow them to drive their relationships with their parents?  Let’s not make them make life altering decisions such as choosing whether or not they want to speak or see a parent or family member.

-Recognize the relationship. First of all, you need to recognize how this child is related to the alienated parent.  Is it a father, mother, aunt, or grandparent? Don’t minimize the relationship with past actions. Recognize the relationship and then do whatever possible to reunite it and reconcile it. 

-Direct the sacred things of a child’s heart to the parents.  While I loved my years being a children’s pastor, I often felt more like a “parent pastor.”  I made it a rule that if ever a child complained to me about their parents, I would direct their hearts towards their parents and towards reconciliation and understanding.  Children see things so very differently than their parents and I wanted to make sure they saw things from a parent’s point of view.  

-Lay aside all judgments. It’s never ok to judge the other parent, especially in front of children.  We don’t have to even like the other parent, but we need to respect the relationship.  Parenting should never be a contest on who can do better.  

-Sweetness of silence.  Don’t waste words on your child’s other parent.  They don’t need to grow up listening to you belittle someone constantly.  Rise up and handle your situation with dignity and class.  Honor your child by honoring the people in their life. 

Well, my cup of tea is almost gone.  I do however have so many other things to say about this topic.  Until we can meet again and discuss this issue that has been a huge problem in the Family Court System, I would encourage you to do your own research on Parental Alienation.  If you are someone who is a victim, my heart goes out to you and please know you have my deepest level of support and empathy.  Don't ever give up fighting for that relationship. Die trying.